REVISION

The last paper assignment of the quarter is the writing that needed the most revision.The tasks was to elaborate on a specific pop culture trend and to show how it has impacted the society as a whole. It seems my main point was supposed to be that we didn't always had to search for love but reality t.v. changed that tradition. But while re seeing my paper I discovered I fell off at times by discussing love is defined to be. I had too many ideas for just one paper. I struggled with on staying on the same track as my thesis statement. I also think I should have given more concrete examples to support my main idea.I felt like the reader may have gotten lost at certain points throughout my paper. Sad to say but one more weakness shown was run on sentences with too much detail like, "I felt a sense of love that didn't have to be dug up from a deep trench to be found as a treasure." or "Through tradition love used to be solely seen as a natural function, something that just happened like winning an award in kindergarten for student of the year." These sentences appear to be a bit lengthy and not really staying along the lines of my thesis. In my revised piece I decided chop sentences up and take out unnecessary detail and/or similes by sticking to my point." I felt a sense of love that was real." was one change I made immediately because it is in my intro and needs to be clean cut .I selected the first two pieces from this paper, they needed the most revision.